They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
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As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem