They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
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I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
ouch
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
How did we not see this back then?
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”