*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
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My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.