@jgraham___

They cancelling everything but work.

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@StarksWeek

“I put on pants for nothing”

– my 10 yo after she got dressed and her soccer game was cancelled.

Someone set up her Twitter account.

@texasstalkermom

The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.

@OddMarc

If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?

@OfficeofSteve

Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped

@fillthevacuum

I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.

@Kendragarden

Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.

@SadieSmithRoks

Not a lot of people know this, but if you dress up like a pirate and go into Red Lobster, you eat for free.

@ShaunRightNow

Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.

All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.

@Ten_Toes_7

Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard

I’m fine