“I put on pants for nothing”
– my 10 yo after she got dressed and her soccer game was cancelled.
Someone set up her Twitter account.
They cancelling everything but work.
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If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Ten seconds. Not bad.
Not a lot of people know this, but if you dress up like a pirate and go into Red Lobster, you eat for free.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard