@MustBeTheMeds

they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems

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@CornOnTheGoblin

Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups

@DanMentos

me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you

@alexlumaga

Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine

@AmericanGent69

Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.

@erikbryn

Overheard:

The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.

@MiddleageM

Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet

@QwertyJones3

Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

@Stellacopter

If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.

@UncleDuke1969

And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.

Bromans 4:19

@Jandalize

I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile.

Then walk into a pole.