@MustBeTheMeds

they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems

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@Crigmaster

So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?

@HomeProbably

The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.

@CrabbyDaCrab

Being an adult is pretty easy. You just feel tired all the time & tell people about how tired you are & they tell you how tired they are.

@meowsepink

Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.

For when you only want to be 35% sure.

@Darlainky

This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.

@outsmartedmommy

Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.

@neonwario

What did Mozart say to the police clerk? “I’ll be Bach” hahaha. What do you mean they’re different people

@avainwordland

Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.