they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
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My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
repaired
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well