They did not think through this water fountain
You Might Also Like
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.