Of course you don’t know ‘our song.’ You didn’t know we were even dating, silly. Or that the girl you had lunch with is in my trunk.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
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Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
DO YOU WANT TO DO A HUMAN SACRIFICE
[does stabbing and offering motion]
A SACRIFICE, DO YOU WANT TO DO ONE
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Am I the only one who whispers “Get a job” into the baby monitor?
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
robert pattinson has absolutely no regard for the things he says on tv and i think thats beautiful
If you cannot afford a stenographer, a 4 year old will be appointed for you to repeat exactly what you said at all times. Do you understand?