They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
You Might Also Like
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
File under excellent bookstore names.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.