@burrowed_deep

They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.

You Might Also Like

@kirbys4losers

Of course you don’t know ‘our song.’ You didn’t know we were even dating, silly. Or that the girl you had lunch with is in my trunk.

@JohnLyonTweets

Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.

@buttgh0st

[at club]
DO YOU WANT TO DO A HUMAN SACRIFICE
“WHAT?”
[does stabbing and offering motion]
A SACRIFICE, DO YOU WANT TO DO ONE

@TEXASVETERAN

Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.

@YSylon

Am I the only one who whispers “Get a job” into the baby monitor?

@Manglewood

I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.

@bonesher

someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.

@PRlNCEREMUS

robert pattinson has absolutely no regard for the things he says on tv and i think thats beautiful

@calamitydaisy

If you cannot afford a stenographer, a 4 year old will be appointed for you to repeat exactly what you said at all times. Do you understand?