Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
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You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
goldfish mafia
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
I like long walks away from everyone
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S