Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
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Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
I ate everything, including the H.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.