They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
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Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES