@goslingtrain

they finally got him. they got macavity

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@WGladstone

My 6 yr old asked me if “satire” is like a “flat tire.” I told him no. People know how to handle a flat tire.

@McGrumpenstein

As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.

@ndiquote

[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza

@Cheeseboy22

My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.

@SatansTongue

The average person has sex 89 times a year.

This is gonna be one hell of a week.

@HousewifeOfHell

My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.

@notalogin

With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.

@jwoodham

FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.

@weinerdog4life

I get knocked down, but I get up again, and you’re never, oh you knocked me down again, you are being very rude

@Mothpete

Health tip: There’s never a ‘safe’ time to shake a teenage boy’s hand. Never.