@goslingtrain

they finally got him. they got macavity

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@nyquills

Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure

Bilbo: no

Gandalf: can i come in for tea

Bilbo: also no

Gandalf: dinner with my friends?

Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me

Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want

@AKATriple

So apparently it’s rude if somebody asks if you have a light & you tell them they’ll have to go to the end of the tunnel to find it…

@TankCesar

How long are you supposed to chase someone after your wallet gets stolen?

Because I’m tired of running and he’s catching up….

@Shade510

Me: Go wake up your mother.

Son: No way man…no way.

Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.

@AnnaKendrick47

My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.

@markydoodoo

imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever

@robdelaney

Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”

@crunchenhanced

If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”

You can avoid every meeting.

You’re welcome.

@TrueQuixote

Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.