they finally got him. they got macavity

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Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure

Bilbo: no

Gandalf: can i come in for tea

Bilbo: also no

Gandalf: dinner with my friends?

Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me

Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want


So apparently it’s rude if somebody asks if you have a light & you tell them they’ll have to go to the end of the tunnel to find it…


How long are you supposed to chase someone after your wallet gets stolen?

Because I’m tired of running and he’s catching up….


Me: Go wake up your mother.

Son: No way man…no way.

Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.


My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.


imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever


Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”


If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”

You can avoid every meeting.

You’re welcome.


Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.