911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
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A beautiful girl said hello to me. I replied ‘thank you’ before I could think.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Communication is hard
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Before college, I didn’t know what I was doing with my life, but now I’m confident I have no idea what I’m doing.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim