@WilliamAder

They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.

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@NewDadNotes

[Toddler 911]

911: what’s your emergency?

Son: it’s naptime.

911: have you tried stalling?

Son: I asked for water.

911: and your favorite stuffed animal?

Son: yep.

911: that toy you shoved under the couch?

Son: they don’t know where that’s at.

911: perfect. ask for that.

@AskinWayne

I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell

@GroupieNo1

A beautiful girl said hello to me. I replied ‘thank you’ before I could think.

@meganamram

I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??

@oakhillbargrill

Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?

Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?

Wife: What?

Me: What?

Communication is hard

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: oh no

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

@ashmensch

One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.

@Puncroaker

I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.

@KevinFarzad

Before college, I didn’t know what I was doing with my life, but now I’m confident I have no idea what I’m doing.

@murrman5

[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim