Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
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major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us