“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
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Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
thanksgiving should be called feaster
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.