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@Carbosly: "They grow up so fast."
- Me, looking at my problems.
@_youhadonejob1: Commas. Use them.
@Storminika: The president says 60% of Americans don't know math -- 60%. So what if 60% don't know math? What about the 85% that do know math?
@TheCatWhisprer: My iPhone won't even recognize my fingerprint unless it's got crumbs on it.
@_SetTheHook_: My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
@martyntanton: My wife told me, "I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me."
I said, "You have perfect eyesight."