Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
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SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Pitbull: Hey, what rhymes with “Kodak”?
Nicki Minaj: “Kodak”, duh…
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Put glitter on top of all your friends ceiling fans blades.
Wait til spring
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.