missed connection: I sneezed near the cough medicine at 711, you dropped your wine and ran away screaming into the night
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
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my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
*eating a ham all by myself*
ME [whispering to myself]: ham solo
My new juice cleanse is called Vodka with a side of Tonic
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
[later at zoo]
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing