@Slygirl08

They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.

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@AbleLikes

missed connection: I sneezed near the cough medicine at 711, you dropped your wine and ran away screaming into the night

@MNateShyamalan

my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you

me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden

@scot4bz

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home

@Cpin42

HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk

@shegotagronk

The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.

@NapVeg

when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it

@KalvinMacleod

ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing