They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
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I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.