They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
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[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.