GENIE: you have found my lamp, so I must grant you four wishes
ME: I thought it was three?
GENIE: You need four
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Things that don’t exist:
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
PATIENT: Since I got this new job my feet are killing me.
DR DOG: What’s your job?
DR DOG: *chases him out of room barking*
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Bald eagles fly at such high elevations to hide their baldness from other, meaner birds. Millennia of adaptive evolution at work.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help