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@ewfeez

GENIE: you have found my lamp, so I must grant you four wishes
ME: I thought it was three?
GENIE: You need four

@paulbarbar_II

Things that don’t exist:

1. Unicorn

2. Ghosts

3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.

@leechee420

Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.

@DrDogMD

PATIENT: Since I got this new job my feet are killing me.
DR DOG: What’s your job?
PATIENT: Mailman
DR DOG: *chases him out of room barking*

@Crutnacker

Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.

Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.

@NicCageMatch

Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.

@ewfeez

Bald eagles fly at such high elevations to hide their baldness from other, meaner birds. Millennia of adaptive evolution at work.

@PleaseBeGneiss

God: you’re my son

Jesus: do I have super powers 😀

God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread

Jesus: :/

God: …fish

Jesus: so who’s my enemy

God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm

Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁

God: oh he’s super duper cool

@TheBeerGuy_

*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*

@JillianKarger

ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help