It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
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Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
How does one answer this?
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.