They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
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Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.