@Duke1173

They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.

I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.

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@Ideal_Victoria

*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*

There. That should keep ’em out.

@AskAuntieEm1

I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.

@IndigoCheese

Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.

@Brianhopecomedy

If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.

@SteveSuckington

What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.

@FatherWithTwins

Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:

“The meeting’s cancelled.”

@Pirate_nurse

It’s 6 am and I’ve already referred to a patient as “the one with the tig ol biddies”…wonder what time HR gets here

@GaryJanetti

Rio declares state of emergency just before Olympics. That’s like inviting people to your house for dinner but you have no food. Or house.

@madamezooble

Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?