[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
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I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
All I’m saying is that 95% of the reason we want libraries with ladders is so we can run up, jump on the ladder, and slide majestically down rows of books with our cloaks fluttering behind us.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude