They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
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When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”