@Duke1173

They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.

I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.

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@dafloydsta

[at the gym]

PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?

ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human

@Sanbel11

I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.

It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.

@LizHackett

A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.

@LurkAtHomeMom

90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.

@simoncholland

Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.

Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.

@PaperFury

All I’m saying is that 95% of the reason we want libraries with ladders is so we can run up, jump on the ladder, and slide majestically down rows of books with our cloaks fluttering behind us.

@benerdist

A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?

@MaryKoCo

“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”

@ShortSleeveSuit

[breakfast]

ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup

WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude