They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.

I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.

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*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*

There. That should keep ’em out.


I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.


Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.


If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.


What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.


Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:

“The meeting’s cancelled.”


It’s 6 am and I’ve already referred to a patient as “the one with the tig ol biddies”…wonder what time HR gets here


Rio declares state of emergency just before Olympics. That’s like inviting people to your house for dinner but you have no food. Or house.


Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?