My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
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The USS B port
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
? 💀
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.