they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”

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My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.


How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face


You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..


My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.


Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.


*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red


I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.


The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.