Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@JohnsonDiaz21

My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.

@GFGander

How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face

@heidi420x

You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..

@Bripping_Talls

5 year plan?
I havent even planned this sentence volcano.

@Jay1972Jay

My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.

@JoroPotential

Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.

@TheDeducers

*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red

@HousewifeOfHell

I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.

@Cryptoterra

The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.