Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@astrobebs

Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that

@shanethevein

What am I gonna do with a river?

Could you cry me a beer?

@GABBYdaAngSaya

[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is

@CauseWereGuys

Siri is the only girl that answers my questions without having to ask why..

@boring_as_heck

[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good

@ObiWanPunobi

Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.

Wife: What? Why?

Me: I was calling her Siri.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: I’m naming our next kid.

@Sarcasticsapien

When people say things like “You can’t change the past” I can’t help but wonder what it must be like to have that brilliant of a mind.

@CelebrityChez

Day one of my soup cleanse: Feeling great!
Day two: I have robbed a Burger King and killed a zebra.

@badboychadhoy

Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.

@VodkaThursday

If you don’t like my selfies, maybe you shouldn’t have such a beautiful friend. Maybe you aren’t ready to handle that kind of responsibility