they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”

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Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that


Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is


Siri is the only girl that answers my questions without having to ask why..


[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good


Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.

Wife: What? Why?

Me: I was calling her Siri.



Wife: I’m naming our next kid.


When people say things like “You can’t change the past” I can’t help but wonder what it must be like to have that brilliant of a mind.


Day one of my soup cleanse: Feeling great!
Day two: I have robbed a Burger King and killed a zebra.


If you don’t like my selfies, maybe you shouldn’t have such a beautiful friend. Maybe you aren’t ready to handle that kind of responsibility