Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
You Might Also Like
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Isn’t
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
this is uni
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*