They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
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Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon