I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
You Might Also Like
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
love it when they get my name right
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Check out the legs on this baby
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.