7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
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Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
What the dentist sees
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore