Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
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Be quiet Freddie
JUST KILLED A MAN
As your lawyer I-
PUT A GUN AGAINST HIS HEAD
PULLED THE TRIGGER-
We plead guilty, Your Honor
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
My kids and I have this fun game we play now where I tell them to go outside and they think I’m going to let them back in before dinner.