@ItsAndyRyan

They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler

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@mattZillaaaa

Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”

@BuckyIsotope

MAMA
Be quiet Freddie
JUST KILLED A MAN
As your lawyer I-
PUT A GUN AGAINST HIS HEAD
Just-
PULLED THE TRIGGER-
We plead guilty, Your Honor

@JohnLyonTweets

I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.

@TweetsByKaylee

jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs

peter: w-what

jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now

john: are you ok

peter: jesus you seem a little… off

jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year

@Reverend_Scott

WIFE: Please stop.

ME: Stop what?

WIFE: Singing in the shower.

ME: What’s the big deal?

WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.

@laurab3

“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.

@UncleDuke1969

The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.

@mommajessiec

My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.

@ddsmidt

You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.

But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.

@Divergentmama

My kids and I have this fun game we play now where I tell them to go outside and they think I’m going to let them back in before dinner.