[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
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Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.