@JoParkerBear: They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
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@Vodkantots: The last time I left the house without wearing blush, someone tried to drive a stake through my heart.
@AmericanGent69: Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
@KylePlantEmoji: "Bro I hate my eyebrows" "You serious bro?" "I think they're too big, bro" "Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro" "Bro :')"
@mommajessiec: I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.