They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
You Might Also Like
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair