@JoParkerBear

They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.

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@KattsDogma

‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am

@gilbertjasono

TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran

ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now

@longwall26

May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean

@jpeek01

Cute girl in the office sees me do something with my left hand
Her: oh. You’re left-handed too
*I pretend to be left-handed for next 5 yrs

@wit_haze

I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.

@TheReaIRobG

Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.

@clindsaysway

If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.

@MatCro

ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]

GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?

E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.

GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?