They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
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Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.