They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
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My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.