@buck4itt

They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.

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@IfIwassomething

I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.

@VN_Ruben

apparently, Twilight is “so popular” because teenagers can relate to it. Oh yeah, I remember that time when I was a vampire.

@fro_vo

whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic

@hg47

On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.

Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.

@LlamaInaTux

zoologist 1: whale

zoologist 2: we used that name already

zoologist 1: shark

zoologist 2: we used that name too

zoologist 1: whale-shark

zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir

@UncleDuke1969

“My God, George… your face!”
“Oh no…”
“What’s happening?!?”
“Is there a full moon tonight?”
“What are you talking a-“
“You have to get away from me.”
“I don’t understand!”
“JUST RUN HORACE… RUN!!”

@TweetPotato314

librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees

me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find

@sarcastictroler

Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?

Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day

@UnFitz

Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!

Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*