@buck4itt

They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.

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@AdderallMomma

I’ve been contemplating legally changing my name to ‘An End’, so that all good things must come to me.

@Dank_Pal

~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*

@Browtweaten

Doctor: You have emphysema

Batman: How?

Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations

Batman:

Doctor:

Batman: *throws smoke bomb*

@delusions_of

Anytime I lift my leg higher than 3 inches I yell “KARATE!”.

@__MICHAELJ0RDAN

Its like they say, don’t judge a apple by its color because it might be a orange.

@AverageClo

Why do people say “To be frank…” when they’re about to be brutally honest?

WHAT IF FRANK LIED!?

WHAT IF I WANT TO BE MARLENE!?

@BuckyIsotope

*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*