They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
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cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
secret recipe
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.