Never pay attention to how often you’re blinking.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
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If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Her: OMG my dad keeps texting me he’s so annoying
Me: [hoping to impress her] yeah he’s a piece of shit
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
I hope “citibank” is better at math than spelling.
If I ever lose my phone I want Liam Neeson looking for it