@buck4itt

They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.

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@just1fool

Never pay attention to how often you’re blinking.

Sorry.

@Marcmywords2

If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.

@aligarchy

it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw

@Reverend_Scott

“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”

It’s fall??

“Ya, so what?”

[leaves start attacking everyone]

OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED

@ihateitmunky

Date

Her: OMG my dad keeps texting me he’s so annoying

Me: [hoping to impress her] yeah he’s a piece of shit

@ThugRaccoons

Me: *Swimming with dolphins*

Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?

@hunz74

I hope “citibank” is better at math than spelling.