@buck4itt

They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.

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@markleggett

I just paid $4,000 to have a skywriter write “Actually, Vanessa, YOU’RE the one who’s being ‘dramatic’.”

@acidicjews

*getting kicked out of bookclub*

me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are

@UncleDuke1969

Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.

@Social_Mime

Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes

@AKcrazy18

I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”

@birbigs

Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.

@squirrel74wkgn

Wife: Hit the light.

*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)

@LeBearGirdle

Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?

NASA: have you ever built a space ship?

Reporter: well no bu-

NASA: it’s really hard

@darksidedeb

I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.

@nerdreign

When runner-ups in reality shows say, “I may not have won but I’m still a winner,” do they understand how language and/or competition works?