I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
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apparently, Twilight is “so popular” because teenagers can relate to it. Oh yeah, I remember that time when I was a vampire.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
“My God, George… your face!”
“Is there a full moon tonight?”
“What are you talking a-“
“You have to get away from me.”
“I don’t understand!”
“JUST RUN HORACE… RUN!!”
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*