My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
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If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose