They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
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Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*