@tropicalenvy

They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.

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@batkaren

HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!

@ThaJawn

God: *holding a cat by its scruff* WHO MADE THIS?

Resentful Angel: I don’t know. You didn’t?

God: NO, it hates me and people

Angel: weird

@TheAndrewNadeau

[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.

[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.

@ceejoyner

Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.

@GeorgiaBarns

All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss

@tsm560

Reverse psychology is like regular psychology except the woman is facing the other way.

@PabloGSerski

The secret of a long marriage is accepting the utter euphoria you would feel from strangling your spouse to death isn’t worth life in jail.

@Sourcoast

Turkey bacon is a lot like normal bacon except that IT’S NOT AND IT NEEDS TO GO BACK TO HELL, WHERE IT CAME FROM.