They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
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[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.