@MarfSalvador: sugar daddy: I'm gonna spoil you salt daddy: I'm gonna preserve you

@: Me: The kids haven't eaten their sandwiches Wife: ok just throw them out [Later] Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I'm as surprised as you are

@iwearaonesie: wife: Can we get a kids menu? waitress *brings one* wife me wife me [already doing the maze] wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?

@JohnLyonTweets: Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards? Robin: You said I could be your psychic. Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK. Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.

@WhaJoTalkinBout: 10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby? Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it's probably to drop off.