They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.

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HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!


God: *holding a cat by its scruff* WHO MADE THIS?

Resentful Angel: I don’t know. You didn’t?

God: NO, it hates me and people

Angel: weird


[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.

[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.


Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.


All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss


Reverse psychology is like regular psychology except the woman is facing the other way.


The secret of a long marriage is accepting the utter euphoria you would feel from strangling your spouse to death isn’t worth life in jail.


Turkey bacon is a lot like normal bacon except that IT’S NOT AND IT NEEDS TO GO BACK TO HELL, WHERE IT CAME FROM.