They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
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when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Yup….perfect score!
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.