They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
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remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
(Jupiter –
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine