@CulturedRuffian
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
@TheWidowmakerX
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
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@CulturedRuffian
@WilliamAder
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
@heatherjs
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
@TotallyAllen
HOW TO START A CONVERSATION ON THE BUS: Look longingly out the window and remark, “Such a shame this is all just gonna burn.”
@DaddyBeerGuy
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
@kelkulus
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
@dafloydsta
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
@asherperlman
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
@WhitePplQuote
😭😭
@iwearaonesie
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes