@TheWidowmakerX

They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years

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@CulturedRuffian

Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.

@WilliamAder

Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

@heatherjs

I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?

@TotallyAllen

HOW TO START A CONVERSATION ON THE BUS: Look longingly out the window and remark, “Such a shame this is all just gonna burn.”

@DaddyBeerGuy

My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..

She manually Retweets everything I say…

To my wife!

@kelkulus

They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.

@asherperlman

“He seems kind of rude”

“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”

“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”

@iwearaonesie

wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes