@TheWidowmakerX

They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years

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@FeelCoppa

It’s cute that you can fit all your skeletons in your closet. Mine have taken over my whole fucking neighborhood and are currently holding the mayor for ransom.

@PS_IRuddYou

Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”

I must have the white iPhone.

@Mom_Overboard

Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!

Date: What’s happening right n-

Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!

@BillMc7

Just saw a spider. It was sleeping. I crawled into its mouth.

@Elizasoul80

5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.

Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.

5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.

@heymonroe

Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.

GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.

ME: It’s just SO big.

@Loli_Sug

Me: Can you bring me a burrito

Him: you want me to come over?

Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.

@eXentRic_

Excuse me waiter, I’m in a bit of a hurry, do you have something that has already been Instagrammed?