It’s cute that you can fit all your skeletons in your closet. Mine have taken over my whole fucking neighborhood and are currently holding the mayor for ransom.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
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Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Just saw a spider. It was sleeping. I crawled into its mouth.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Excuse me waiter, I’m in a bit of a hurry, do you have something that has already been Instagrammed?