They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years

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It’s cute that you can fit all your skeletons in your closet. Mine have taken over my whole fucking neighborhood and are currently holding the mayor for ransom.


Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”

I must have the white iPhone.


Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!

Date: What’s happening right n-



Just saw a spider. It was sleeping. I crawled into its mouth.


5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.

Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.

5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.


Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.


ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.

GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.

ME: It’s just SO big.


Me: Can you bring me a burrito

Him: you want me to come over?

Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.


Excuse me waiter, I’m in a bit of a hurry, do you have something that has already been Instagrammed?