They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
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“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.