They say AI will take all our jobs, but I’d like to see AI selling cigarettes to teenagers outside 7-11
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This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Not recommended for beginners.
You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?
That’s me, looking for hotdogs.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over