Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@robfee

Worst things the parents do in Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza

@KentWGraham

What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?

@FatherWithTwins

Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books

@professorkiosk

The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.

@LuvPug

But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.

@earfdae

She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.

@ninatreemonkey

If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms

@BuckyIsotope

Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?

@a_simpl_man

Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are

@PuncherJetpack

Not saying obamacare is perfect but the data doesn’t lie. With Obamacare there’ve been zero Hitlers. Before obamacare there was at least one