They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
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WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.