They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
You Might Also Like
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
I have no passwords left in me
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…