genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
You Might Also Like
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.