They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
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People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Living the best life.. 😊
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage