“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
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What the hell is going on?
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.