I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
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Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle