As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
They say “confidence” is the most attractive quality in a partner. But I’d have to say “not banging my friends” would be a very close 2nd
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No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
LIFE HACK: A pancake makes a great and edible mouse pad.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Hour 1: Why don’t we play this more?
Hour 16: *holding bloody napkins to nose* Does it look broken?
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”