@SeanEmeny

They say “confidence” is the most attractive quality in a partner. But I’d have to say “not banging my friends” would be a very close 2nd

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@princess_snide

As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”

But I can’t.

Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.

@ewfeez

LIFE HACK: A pancake makes a great and edible mouse pad.

@dshack8

I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.

@dumbbeezie

Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy

@bingowings14

Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.

@5hael

I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!

It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.

@ThaJawn

(playing Monopoly)

Hour 1: Why don’t we play this more?

Hour 16: *holding bloody napkins to nose* Does it look broken?

@MikeBigby

Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”