There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
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Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
“our sushi is very fresh”
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen