They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
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Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Spa day..😅
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home