They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
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Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Breaking news:
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry