They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.

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Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.


I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs


“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*


Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair


Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.


I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.


Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?

Her: Justice.


Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.


Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas


me: i got into harvard!

cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know