They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
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today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.