They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
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Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?