They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
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Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
This made me chuckle.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
A woman drives into a bar.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
at ease…shoulder.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.